Stoned to Love Over Cancer Beyond a Thousand-Yard Stare
I crank up Tom Jones's version of Chicane's "Stoned In Love:"
If you could see me here this way
Looking backwards from today
Would you do it all again...?
If I could roll it back to you
Just like lovers always do
I'm trying to get up for the Big game against the Big C. We've met two times before, a few low-blow to the testicles, and now it goes for my esophagus. I'm looking at a six month round. Four doses of chemo-to-go in a 48-hour snack pack attached to a port insider me for 48 hours, then I take it back for the deposit, get my ticket punched, five and you get as free infusion or CT scan. Then two weeks later, another take-out. Two weeks another take-out. Two weeks. Another take=out. Two weeks. Another take-out.
Then it's kinda half=time of a month.
Then a four-to-six operation that I could possibly die from, where they cut out the tumor, then to make up for the loss of the section of esophagus, they pull up part of my stomach to create a new esophagus, reducing the size of my stomach, which will change my internal workings forever. A week in the hospital to recover with a tube in my nose to reduce the pressure in the removed stomach. And a feeding tube in my stomach because the feeding tube in my throat needs time to heal.Then a month to heal.
Then three 48-hour take-home chemo snack packs.
I am stoned in love but not with you (cancer)
Because we are not feeling stoned in love
It is how I am feeling now
I feel the love is made of stone (life)
A imagine myself hitting the bag with my fists but its the tumor in my throat, and I'm dressed in a a nice a spring blazer, and a cool shirt, and red boxing gloves. My li[s are p[rused with a temnsion Miles Davis never gave his trumpet. It's my cancer embouchure. It squeezes out tears and makes me punch hard but dance freely. I gotta bring it, I think I gotta bring it. I know youu can;t here this music in my tape loop. It gives me drive and I imagine myself dancing around around my chenosabis, not caring what they think. Am I in bad taste. Insensitive? No! I need to drasw on every movement, note, phrase, hug, memory, and this will built a force in my. Cancer might be stage two. But as the winds of Fred swirl I'm a building to a Category 5 and taking down any cynicism, criticism and becoming something bigger than I've ever been. For myself. For others. ANd if you get in my way and talk to me about gravity, mortality, responsibilty, reality, I will blow you away because you ahve no place in my powerful new world .
And so I dance, willing to risk bad taste, failed jokes, in a search for a cure I find in the hearts of others...
It's when I feel stoned in love
It's how I am feeling now
I feel the love is made of stone
Wait and feel the stoned in love
Stoned in love...
And so I dance to that inner beat of other human's hearts and dreams with grim and bright eyes--some see it as a thousand yard stare, but that's not a distant stare from you, it's focused on the distant and better world I see ahead for myself and others. I have to believe in its beat and rive, I have to genuflect to it.
It's gotten me this far....follow me as tears of determination streak down my face. I need you help, your laughter, your cheers, and your dreams, your love, no one can builkd a better love
Let's go the distance and leave cancer and dead dreams behind us all.
Quick and watch the past away
But we go upset with blames
I do it all again.. As if I care...